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Once, I was really bored riding the bus. I remembered an old trick we used to play. I fixed my gaze on a girl sitting nearby, staring at her for a long time. Then I took out my phone and demonstratively said into it, ”Chief, I’ve found the one and only." Without missing a beat, she got out her own phone and said, “I’m busted, requesting evacuation.” The whole bus roared with laughter.
"One day after work the managers told everyone that we needed to start cutting people off that looked like they were too drunk. The next night I overheard a waiter talking to his 6 top. Waiter: How is everyone? First Customer: Can we get another round? Waiter: I can get one for everyone else but you can't even look at me straight. I'm sorry but I have to cut you off. Second Customer: DUDE, She's been cross eyed since birth! Waiter: One round coming right up!"
I used to work at a Honda factory in Alabama and they get a lot of workers in from temp agencies, so you tend to get a lot of weird ones. As I'm walking back from my lunch break, I pass two guys and accidentally overhear, 'I just want to impregnate the first thing I see.' My only thoughts were, 'Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact.'
"I used to bartend at a pizza place. One afternoon a middle aged couple came in with an old (80?) lady they referred to as Grandma. Grandma seemed a little confused and they talked to her like she was a child. The middle-aged lady made a comment about being hungry and then Grandma says very loudly, 'Have you ever been so hungry you could eat the ass out of a dead skunk?' I almost fell over behind the bar I was laughing so hard."
I kicked all my friends off my HBO account because they were horrid to me last night
I put my infant daughter in the closet, shut the door and walked away I'm so overwhelmed. I haven't really slept in 8 weeks. That's how old my daughter is. She's a beautiful little girl, but she screams and screams and screams. I do everything to console her. I make sure she is fed, dry, not in pain and comfortable. But she almost never stops screaming. My husband left this weekend for a business trip and I was alone with her for the first time. It was going ok this morning, but then the floodgates opened. I held her, rocked her, bounced her but nothing worked. I wanted to shake her I'm ashamed to type this, but I wanted to shake my baby. I thought I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I was so fed up that I strapped her into her car seat, placed her in our coat closet and shut the door. She was still screaming and I shut the door on her. I set a one hour alarm, went upstairs and collapsed into my bed. I wouldn't say a slept, more like I instantly went unconscious. An hour later my alarm went off and I sprung up and ran downstairs to her. She was sleeping and no longer crying. I picked her up and held her and just started sobbing. It's too much. I'm a terrible mother. I can't handle this.
I am a foot and a half taller than my wife. So when I take a shower I make sure to set the shower head as high as possible. Then when she gets in she can’t reach it to lower it and she has to call me in. So I get to see her naked. She has yet to realize that setting is too high for even me.
I'm dying but haven't told anyone I was diagnosed with cancer a little over two weeks ago, after a regular checkup. Turns out I have a tumour on my colon that has spread to other areas (liver and lungs so far) and will require extensive chemo and surgery for any chance to live longer than 8 months I'm not having any treatment and I haven't told my wife because she'll only pressure me to get the treatment, which result in months of pain and suffering for a relatively small chance Instead, I'm making sure our last few months together are filled with only happy memories. I'm starting work later and finishing earlier each day, to make her breakfast in bed and take her on dates in the evenings My landlord I rent my workshop from has agreed to let me run my business rent free for the next 6 months, which means significantly less financial stress and I can save a lot more, so she has something to carry her over afterwards I hope she'll forgive me for taking this path
I photoshop every photo of my mom My mom has really had a hard time the past few years. When she entered menopause she gained weight and no matter how much she works out or what diet she tries she cannot drop it. She is a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out, but I could tell it was really taking a toll on her. So I started (lightly) photoshopping pictures I take of her before I send them to anyone or print them. I just nip a little here and there, slight reshaping. and smoothing out a few wrinkles, nothing drastic, but enough. Since I have started this she has started acting more confidently and has stopped making negative remarks about pictures she is in. She loves being in pictures with everyone again. It has really helped. I have not told anyone and never will.
I hope people actually storm Area 51 I just wanna see what's gonna happen in that situation. There's no way the government will order to shoot them dead but I wouldn't be surprised if something else happens. But who am I kidding, most of them will probably pussy out
I’m a pizza delivery driver and I intentionally say “Enjoy” to every customer as I’m leaving because I think it’s funny when they say “you too”
I pulled a “prank” with my twin daughters when they were born and even to this day I don’t know if their names are arranged correctly. Kinda long, My wife gave birth to two identical twins one and a half years ago and they were born with not even a three minutes difference from each other. Even this young, they are the definition of identical twins because they look exactly the same, same height, same features same everything because they shared the same placenta. It should be noted that me and my wife had decided the names already when we were told we would have twins and for the sake of this post, the first born babe would be named “Clone 1” and the second “Clone 2” However there’s something that my wife doesn’t know to this day and probably never will. When my wife was still hospitalized for the routine 24-48 “rest” after the uncomplicated vaginal delivery I had a few moments to sit and watch my babies as my wife was resting or sleeping. When the babies were delivered, one of the nurses put a small pink bracelet on their wrists with their initials written on it to differentiate them and also for obvious reasons. Not gonna lie, during the final hours after my wife had checked out with the doctor for a possible discharge and she was cleared,I had a few Lion King moments with my babies with the proud feeling of “I made this” after they brought them to our room. Here’s the catch, for a moment I thought it would be funny to switch the birth bracelets and when we get home, I thought it would be priceless to watch my wife’s reaction when she would find out that she had mixed the babies all along when we got home. And so I did it. When she was resting, knowing that my parents and my in laws were coming for a visit, I switched the bracelets knowing well that they wouldn’t allow me to do it. Long story short, when we were all sitting in the room and admiring the babies, I had to leave the room to answer a congratulatory call from one of my best friends because I didn’t want to disrupt my wife’s sleep, only to find out when I walked back in, the bracelets had fallen off from their wrists on the bed and my parents /in laws were basically playing hot potato with the babies passing them from one to another, having no clue which baby is Clone 1 and Clone 2. Now I know that these bracelets are meant to be cut and not to just pop open, kind of like the festival bracelets, but it opened relatively easily and I suppose when I did it, I broke its “lock mechanism” so they fell off with the slightest movement. In the end I picked up the bracelets without anyone noticing it, wore them around their wrists again (for some reason they stayed intact this time) , packed our things and left. Even to this day, their identifications might be switched and we call Clone 1 Clone 2 and Clone 2 Clone 1. Or maybe not and everything is how it’s supposed and was meant to be, I just don’t know and there’s no way to find out. That 50-50 chance and not knowing is kind of irritating and funny at the same time.
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